Hope Deferred


We’ve been waiting for two more state clearances. This is the step in the home study where you have to have background checks done on every state you’ve lived in since age 18. We had to complete paperwork for more than 10 states. Even though we’ve already done this for our prior adoptions, we have to do it again for every. single. state.  We were told that two of these states take about 30 days. Texas took 34. But I’ve been patient, willing myself to not be anxious. Every time my thoughts want to go there, I’ve refused. I will trust.

But today was a greater test. Today I was filled with elation, only to have my joy snuffed out within minutes of the good news. I got the email confirming that Scott and I were cleared by Texas. I sent it to our home study agency, celebrating a small victory. Only one more state to go!

Minutes later, I got an email back letting me know that the last state, the last clearance we need to complete our home study so we can move on to the next step in the adoption process, is going to take longer than 30 days.  It has been 31 days, and today I was told it will be another month.

Another Month!

I was in the car, about to drive. I willed my brain to just not go there. Drive home, Melissa. Finish your errands. Keep it together. You can lose it when you are all alone.  

The last state! A whole month. This is ridiculous!

Hannah chatted happily in the car seat next to me. I pretended to be interested in everything she was telling me, but my heart was heavy. 

Multiple times I’d start to think about it, feeling my eyes well up, then I grit my teeth and refused to respond to the frustration that was nagging me. 

Get home, feed the kids, get the passport photo taken, then fill the car with gas. The whole time, I kept thinking, “Hope deferred. This is what hope deferred feels like.” 

Then, “I will not allow myself to go down the path of misery. I will not go there." 

There is where I allow my circumstance to feed into all the scary thoughts and what-ifs that are out of my control. There is an unwelcome world of worry, a place that robs us of our peace...

What if we don't get this home study complete before the rest of our dossier docs expire?
What if that delays us even more?
What if everything falls through and this never happens?

and

I am missing out on all her precious milestones - Walking, talking, and all the other cute things babies do. 

The What-ifs can go on for an eternity. But they won't change my circumstances, speed up the process, or fill me with peace.

So I refuse to go there. I will trust. I will wait.

After I got home from the rest of my errands, I hid away in my room, sat in my chair, and then cried. I know I can trust God, but I needed permission to mourn my disappointments. It doesn’t seem fair.  I’ve done everything I can do as quickly as possible to move this process along, but this time, it feels like there is this resisting force working against me. 

I needed something to get me through this. I played some worship music. I cried. I prayed, asking God to speak. He did.

He told me to remember the promise. 

I have a daughter.

I opened my Bible. The pages flipped to Habakkuk 2:2 - the verse the Lord led me to during our first adoption when I didn’t think that we were ever going to be able to bring Nathanuel home. That verse marked a powerful moment when I had to choose to believe that God would fulfill His promise when the odds were not in our favor. 

Here I was again, staring at the words, 
“The Lord answered me: Write down the vision; write it clearly on clay tablets so whoever reads it can run to tell others. It is not yet time for the message to come true, but that time is coming soon; the message will come true. It may seem like a long time, but be patient and wait for it, because it will surely come; it will not be delayed.”




His promise. 

His timing.

It will not be delayed. 

It only feels like a delay when I measure His promise on my timeline. 


I will not impose my timeline on His.

As I allowed myself to mourn the loss of time with this precious one I have yet to meet…accepting that I am going to miss some of the most precious and memorable milestones that come with the first two years of life, I received a text from a precious friend asking me if I knew our daughter’s birthday, and if I did, if I’d had time to compare the dates of her birth and conception with what we might have been doing during that time. 

"Remember the promise."

I cried when I read her text, which was confirmation to remember. Her timing was beautiful. 

I texted back what had happened today and shared how perfect her timing was. She reminded me how sweet it is going to be when the time finally comes. I cried more tears thinking about it.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:1

 My Sweet Girl,

The waiting is so hard. There are so many children waiting for families, but in one moment, you stood out among the rest. I think about you every day, wishing I could hold you in my arms. You are loved. I can’t wait for the day to tell you this in person. Until then, I will watch His plan for you unfold. I will trust. I will hold on to His promise - a dream not yet fulfilled. But when that day comes, we will give Him the glory as this family tree of ours blossoms with new life.


The one who calls you is faithful, and He will surely do it. 
I Thessalonians 5:24




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