Are They Worth It?

“Mom?  Are they worth it?” 

I looked into my daughter’s pleading eyes, trying to figure out how to answer her question without choking on my own tears.  Both her sisters looked at me, waiting for the answer to the question they were too afraid to ask.  

I stood there for a second or two, trying to decide if I should smooth things over with a safe answer or if I should be real and honest.  The honest answer might not bring my girls the comfort they craved, and at bed time, I wasn’t sure I was ready for an emotional meltdown (times three).

But when I opened my mouth, I could only confess the truth.  She wanted to know if these boys were worth the risk.  Were they worth possibly dying for and as a result, leaving even more orphans in the world?  

The thought had been weighing heavily on me as we grew closer to receiving travel approval.  We decided to apply to adopt a child in January and less than a month later we said yes to two boys.  There were nights when I couldn’t sleep.  Anxiety caught my breath and squeezed my heart as I wondered what we were thinking.  

We said yes to an older boy with disabilities we originally thought we couldn’t handle.  God told us we could.  Then we pursued a second older boy with the same special need, only less severe.  We said yes to both.  We would welcome these two boys into our family and love them unconditionally.  They could be terrible human beings for all we knew.  We could travel half-way around the world, bring them home and forever regret our decision.  

Or we could not make it back at all.

As the time for travel grew closer, all of the unknowns left my three daughters and I in a state of angst and tears.  

This adoption forced me to walk in blind faith and I was determined to pull my daughters along with me.  I knew that no matter the outcome, I had to trust that God had a plan and that it would be fulfilled.  If the plan was for Scott, Pacey (our 14 year old son who was traveling with us) and I to die in a plane crash on our way to China, then I had to accept that.  If His plan was for us to bring home two little hellians and love them through the chaos and damage they inflict on us, then I had to accept that as well.  

I wanted my girls to understand that blind faith involves taking risks.  I knew the odds were in our favor to come back in one piece, but I also knew that there were so many other things that could go wrong.  I knew without a doubt what we were called to do and I was not going to let fear stop us now.  So I looked at my girls and braced myself for the meltdown.

“I’ve never met these boys.”  I answered.  

Tears started streaming down my face and my voice quivered.  With all honesty, I could not say they were worth it to me.  If I knew that I was going to die going into this, would I just walk into this death sentence?  

“I can’t say that for me, they are worth it.”  I continued.  “But for God, these boys are worth it.  He told us to go.  He chose these boys for us.”  I was pretty much sobbing as I finished my answer with conviction.  “So we are going to do this.  We are going to trust in God and we are going to China to get your brothers.”

I looked at my precious girls’ faces as they all sobbed simultaneously.  We gathered together on the floor, held each other, and cried together.  I felt so silly.  But I felt their fear and it was very real.  I knew what they were going through because I was going through it too.  

Just the thought of leaving my babies for two whole weeks felt like an eternity.  I didn’t know how I was going to do it.  All I knew was God told us to go.  Faith was the only force stopping Scott and I from backing out and running hard in the opposite direction.  As I realized this, I saw the parallel between what was ahead for our family and what God and His son went through for us.

I can only imagine how much harder it was for Jesus to willingly walk into His own death.  His father said that you and I are worth it, so He agreed to separate himself from His father so that we could be adopted into His family.  My sacrifice was going to be nothing (even if I died in a plane crash) compared to what He did.  He knew that pain and death was ahead.  

I imagine His anxiety was so much worse than mine.  After all, I wasn’t in such agony that my sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground. (Luke 22:44)  But He didn’t let fear (of the known!) stop Him from fulfilling is mission.  

He said Yes.

This realization strengthened me.  What I was about to do was small compared to the sacrifice He made for me and my family. 

And so, our adoption journey drew me even closer to my Savior.  He walked a harder path than the one right before me.  He did so, knowing he would be rejected, persecuted, and hurt by many.  He was convicted enough to follow through, because He agreed with His father - we are worth it.  

In the middle of the sobs and tears, I gathered my girls in my arms and we prayed.  We told God that we would trust Him on this journey. 

How could these boys not be worth it?  While I still feared the unknown (I won’t lie - I was terrified), I knew our family had one choice:  We were going to do this.  If these boys were worth it to God, then they were worth it to us.  

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.   John 14:18