You're Not Worth It

A few people know that our last year in Arkansas was a very hard year for our family.  Personally, it was a very painful time for me.  As we were dealing with all sorts of issues in our family, I was seeing a counselor to deal with some issues that somehow emerged and tangled me up in a sticky web of inner turmoil.  To tell you the truth, most of the issues I was dealing with have been lurking deep inside since my teen years, but one particular issue I'd never really dealt with before and I did not know it was even there.  


I guess looking back, these issues didn't just somehow emerge.  I believe God started the process of setting me free through a series of circumstances and events.  I believe He started digging up some of these weeds in order to show me where they were in my life.  He decided it was time to get to work on this, and He worked hard and relentlessly, loosening up these weeds, creating havoc in my life, in my heart, in my relationships, and in my mind.  These "weeds" have been there a long time and some have been deeply rooted within me, growing, spreading out, determined to take over and kill the joy in my life.  


The one issue that took me by surprise, however, was this body image issue.  Several things happened that got that ball rolling, and before I knew it, I was in a constant state of torment.  To top it off, right as these  things happened, I had a physical "ailment" plague me every. single. month.  It never happened before - NEVER - until this time in my life when I hated my body and I was being tormented and told the lies that I would never be good enough for myself, my husband, or anyone else.  


One of these lies that I grew to believe was that I was undesirable.  I believed this to be true in every aspect of my life.  I believed this lie to the point that if I could convince myself on any given day that I was just a little bit desireable, someone else out there, many others out there, could surely outshine me and steal the attention of my husband.  I no longer felt even pretty, and the more I struggled inwardly, the more desperation I felt, which made me feel needy and pathetic, and who wants a needy and pathetic woman? 


So, to top all that off, every single month, this enormous, ugly, painful cold sore popped up on the right side of my upper lip.  The first month it happened, I noticed several other women had one too.  It must have been viral.  But after that first month, it was just me, all alone, dealing with my ugly, painful, giant sore on my lip.   Not only was I suddenly undesirable, but I felt like a disease.  I felt like that was all people saw when they looked at me, the giant blister on my face.  And I was deprived of the human touch I longed for most from my husband - his kiss.  I felt like a giant, walking herpe!  Why wouldn't everyone want to keep far away from me?


So everywhere I went, I was comparing myself to every. single. woman. in the room.  If Scott was with me, I was watching him to see if he was checking her out, wondering if he preferred her over me.  My heart would literally speed up, my stomach would churn, and if I thought I saw him looking at another woman, my heart would break.  This happened a thousand times.  Sometimes I would ask him why he was looking at a woman, bracing myself to hear a truth I wasn't ready for but had already told myself, and then he'd tell me the reason and it would have nothing to do with the reasons I thought he might be looking at her.  But even then, the torment would take over and I'd find a reason to not believe him.


When I was at home, I'd stare at myself in the mirror and the things that once never occurred to me as being ugly suddenly were horrific.  I reminisced about my youthful pre-baby body and wished so hard I could have that back again.  I scheduled an appointment with a plastic surgeon - twice.  Both times I could not go through with it.  


Both times I heard God whispering, "This is not going to solve your problems.  The issue is not your body.  You don't need surgery to fix your body.  You need surgery on your heart."


It really was silly that all this was happening to me because it isn't even who I am.  I don't usually buy into the fake, superficial, worldly things that tend to distract many people in our society, but here I was suddenly dealing with it myself.  What happened to me?  My poor (amazing, strong, awesome) husband had to endure many talks and wipe away many tears.  He continued to speak truth into my life and prayed for me.  


And I started counseling.  I went every week and continued to go until the day before we had to leave Arkansas.  The woman was amazing and helped me through so much, and by the time we got to Ohio, I felt that a majority of my issues had been resolved.  That was good enough for me.  I realized that as I was out with my husband (or by myself), I was comparing myself less and less to other women.  The things that I saw as atrocities on my body I was suddenly thankful for, because it meant that my body sacrificed itself for a greater good - an enormous blessing (or three!) and knowing if I had the choice to go back and change things, I'd choose to have my babies in a heartbeat over keeping my pre-baby body.  There is beauty in sacrifice.  


I realized that slowly I was healing inside.  I started to believe some truths that my counselor told me to repeat to myself every day, that maybe I might be the kind of person who has touched a friend or two in some way.  I was joyous the day I walked through the grocery store with my husband and realized that I wasn't paying attention to the other women around me, keeping tabs on who was dressed cuter or who had the sexier body.  I was even more excited that I'd made it through several months with NO cold sores after many consecutive months of it reappearing.   


Really, the entire time I was going through this, I knew the truth.  I knew that this was all so superficial, worldly, and meaningless.  I knew that in the end, I am not going to be on my deathbed grateful that I had a sexy body.  I have always imagined that the day I die, I will be surrounded by many loved ones who want to tell me goodbye because we had a relationship, not because my sexy body would soon be buried away forever, no longer to be admired.  The truth is, I even hate attention!  I am uncomfortable if I feel like another man is looking at me.  Yes, I do like to get all dressed up for my husband, but if I am getting another man's attention, I want to hide.  I really just enjoy knowing that my husband appreciates and is attracted to me, but for years, this inner voice has told me that I'm not and never will be good enough for him.  


After getting settled in Ohio, I really thought that I was through a majority of all of these issues.  I was even able to tell my husband a couple of months ago during a rather emotional conversation that I am GLAD that I've gone through this.  I'd never experienced anything like this in my life, and now I know what other women go through, how hard they strive to meet this unrealistic, unattainable standard of beauty.  I know that feeing of wanting to be captivating and wanting to keep my man's attention and the desperate desire to know that he only has eyes for me.  Now, I can help guard my daughters against this kind of attack.  I can teach them truth and if they start to struggle, I can help them through this.  How could I even begin to help anybody with an issue like this if I haven't been through it myself?  


So yes, I've arrived.  It's over.  I'm free.  Not really.  The truth is, at the point we had that conversation, I still had wounds and there were still weeds rooted deep in my heart.


This last week, it started to creep in again.  It wasn't as strong, but goodness, when a girl is PMSing, it's really hard to feel pretty.  And when a girl is PMSing, she is trying hard to ignore her discomforts and to be in a good mood, but that is hard too, so when she finds herself in the middle of a hormonal rant, not only does she not feel pretty on the outside, but she also does not feel pretty on the inside.  Suddenly, I was attacking and criticizing myself for everything.  I was seeing the ugliness again.  I was starting to compare myself to the other women in the grocery store.  And I turned back into that giant, walking herpe.  Yes, the cold sore came back in the very same spot.  


The crazy thing is, my five-year-old daughter noticed it before I even realized it was there.  "Mom, are you getting a boo boo on your lip?" she asked.  Gosh.  How much of this have my daughters noticed about me?  How much have they seen me struggle?  What am I teaching them?  Little did I know that it was time to start pulling up more weeds.


I was doing sooooo good.  I've gone months without struggling and months without a cold sore.  But then, these other things happened - it was God's way of digging up those hidden weeds and this week He revealed the root of so many issues that I've been dealing with.  All of this that I've gone through with my image issues, and so many more issues I've struggled with in my life - all of this "not being good enough" lie that I keep hearing, it all boils down to one single question.


Am I worth it?


Am I worth waiting for?
Am I worth staying for?
Am I worth sacrificing for?
Am I worth fighting for? 
Am I worth loving completely and unconditionally?


All my life, I've believed the lie.  The lie has always been, You are not worth waiting for, fighting for, loving, sacrificing for, staying for.  Different circumstances and events in my life repeated that lie until I believed it.  I have always felt inferior, poor, weak, worthless - like dirt.  I received this message at a very early age in my life and held onto it so tight that even when the truth has been shoved right in my face, all I could see was the lie.  


You are NOT worth it.  


So I've worked hard at trying to be worth it.  What will it take?  If I'm good, will I be worth it?  If I'm beautiful, will I be worth it?  If I attempt to reach out to those who don't think I am worth it, show them that I think they are worth it, will I be able to win over their approval?  


Several times I've thought back to the movie, "The Help" to one of the very last scenes where Aibileen looks at Hilly with her nasty, giant herpe on her upper lip and asks, "Ain't you tired, Miss Hilly? Ain't you tired?"  


That scene hits me every time I see it.  When I hear that question, I feel like someone is asking me.  Am I tired?  


Am I tired of trying?  Am I tired of striving so hard to meet everyone else's expectations?  


The answer is yes. I am tired of trying to be beautiful according to worldly standards. I'm tired of trying to win others' approval.  I'm tired of being hurt when others reject me.  I strive, I try, I fail. 


I'm tired. 


It's sad to think that I've gone through all this striving just to hear and believe and know that I am worth it.  I've looked to my friends, my husband, my family, and the world to prove it to me.  The truth is, even if they believe you or I are worth it, they too are only human and at some point, they are going to fail you and their failure can just as easily be a message to you that you really aren't worth it.  But that's not fair to them. They are human, just as we are human.  They struggle and make mistakes just as we make mistakes.  I'm willing to bet their mistakes have more to do with them and their inner struggles than they have anything to do with how they feel about us.  So looking to those close to us isn't a true or fair measure of whether or not we are worth it.  And looking at the world, the ridiculous, fake, cruel standards the world has set for us to meet, will only destroy us.  We will never, no matter how hard we try, be able to measure up to anyone else's standards.


As I sat in my room crying two days ago, I realized that the root of all of this was that I did not believe that I am worth it to anyone - even my husband.  I forced myself to stop putting that question on man, (my man).  I made myself stop believing the answers to that question from past circumstances and from past choices other people have made that have hurt me and instead ask God, 


"Am I?  Am I worth it?" 


The moment I timidly prayed that question, I saw this picture in my mind:  Jesus, up close, suffering, sweating, and turning his loving eyes to mine.  He looked at me as if to ask me, "Are you kidding me?  Would I have gone through this for you if I didn't think you are worth it?"  I saw the pain in His eyes, not because I hurt Him with my question, but because He hurt for me, that I am so damaged and hurt inside, that I believe the lie now, that I have believed it for so many years.    


More tears flowed as the truth filled my heart.  My savior is the only one who can truly answer these questions in a way that no other human could:

Am I worth waiting for?  How long, and how many times have I waited for you to return to Me?

Am I worth staying for?  I will never leave you, nor forsake you.

Am I worth sacrificing for?  I died for you.

Am I worth fighting for? Every day, to the death and back again.

Am I worth loving completely and unconditionally? My love for you goes deeper, wider, and higher than you could ever imagine.

It doesn't matter if everyone else in the world - even my husband - tells me I am or am not worth it.  Too be real, my husband HAS told me over and over again that I AM worth it.  But his answer was never enough.  I still found myself striving.


Jesus saw me and said I am and I don't have to try, strive, or work to be worthy of His love.  My value does not rest on my outward appearance, what I do, or how perfect I can become.  He doesn't look at my outward beauty and determine my worth.  Neither should I.  Nor should I look at what others have decided about me and carry that as my truth.  I know the truth, and I am choosing to let go of the lie that tells me, "You are  NOT worth it" and start repeating the truth that God has been trying to get me to see from the very beginning of my existence.  His truth, His answer IS enough.  And now I am beginning to believe it.  Now healing is taking place in the deepest, darkest places in my heart.  It's also taking place on my upper lip.  And even if another cold sore pops up, I don't have to feel like a big, giant, walking herpe.  I am not worthless and disgusting.  I am not a disease.  I am blessed, I am valued, I am loved, I am worth it!  Gosh, the truth is still sinking in, it's almost hard for me to believe that God really sees me the way He does.


It's hard for me to share this with the world out there, and even harder for me to share with those of you who know me.  This is a very sensitive, vulnerable spot to be in, especially because it all still feels so raw, but I feel that I have been called to live a life of transparency.  


I remember the time I first got that giant cold sore on my lip and how so many women around me walked around with one too.  I believe I was meant to see that the first time around, and then not see anyone else with one every time after that.  Many of us struggle with this issue of self-worth, but we often feel alone in it.  I know I'm not the only one going through this.  I know I'm not the only one with the same questions.  So knowing that, I will not continue to hide it anymore, even if it makes me vulnerable.  


If you are out there today, asking the same questions, I want to encourage you to stop asking the people around you to prove to you that you are worth it.  Stop looking for validation of your self-worth through others. All you are doing is giving Satan the opportunity to fill your heart with lies.  And each time you try, you strive, or do something to get that approval or proof that you are worth it, you are giving a piece of yourself away to someone who can't really help you.


Instead, ask God.  It's okay, He wants you to know the truth.  


Ephesians 3:14 - 20 says   ^14-19My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you'll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God.
 ^20-21God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.  (The Message)


Zephaniah 3:17 says:  The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.


Are you worth it?  


YES, YOU ARE. 


DO YOU BELIEVE IT?  Do you believe the truth or do you too have a few weeds rooted in your heart that you have allowed to kill your joy?  Let go of the lies. 

You are worth waiting for.

You are worth staying for.  

You are worth sacrificing for.  

You are worth fighting for. 

You are worth loving completely and unconditionally.


Just as a mother falls in love with her newborn, even before birth, God saw you, knew you, knit you together and fell in love with you.  He thinks you are worth it, and His opinion is the only one that matters. 


I know this post is long, but I want to share this Love Letter From God.  If you are struggling with your self-worth and wondering if God really cares about you, if He really has a plan, if you are really worth it, take the time to read this.  I pasted the letter below but I want to encourage you to read the entire article.  The link to the entire article is at the bottom.  

A Love Letter from God

Dear Friend,

I love you! (John 3:16) I chose you when I planned creation (Ephesians 1:11-12) and I made you in my image (Genesis 1:27), knitting you together in your mother's womb (Psalm 139:13).

I know the number of the hairs on your head (Matthew 10:30) and I am familiar with all your ways (Psalm 139:3). My thoughts of you are as countless as the sand on the seashore (Psalm 139:17-18).

I am love (1 John 4:16) and the greatest commandment that I have for you is that you love (Matthew 22:37-40). My love is made complete in you when you receive my love for you and love others and me as I have loved you (1 John 4:7-21). To show you how to live this life of love I've given you Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:1-17), laws that are good and pleasing to you (Psalm 119).

But you've sinned by breaking my laws (1 John 1:8). You've hurt others and you've hurt yourself (Romans 2:9). Most of all, your sins are against me (Psalm 51:4). You've hurt me (Luke 19:41) and angered me (Romans 2:8). I am the Lord (Exodus 6:2), the King of kings (1 Timothy 6:15), and the Righteous Judge (1 Peter 4:5) and it is a terrible thing to come under my righteous judgment (Hebrews 10:31).

So to fear me is the beginning of wisdom (Proverbs 1:7). But you don't need to remain afraid of me for I am a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger and abounding in love and faithfulness (Exodus 34:6). In fact, I've come to you in Jesus, not to Lord my authority and power over you, but to serve you (John 13:13-14). Knowing my perfect love will cast out all of your fear (1 John 4:18).

You see I've loved you from the beginning, long before you loved me (1 John 4:19). I sent my son Jesus, the exact representation of my being (Hebrews 1:3), to die in your place for your sins (Romans 5:8), to take upon Himself the punishment that you deserved (Isaiah 53:5). He became the sacrificial lamb and satisfied my righteous judgment (John 1:29).

Now I knock on the door of your heart, waiting for you to let me in (Revelation 3:20). When you put your faith in Jesus I forgive you for your sins (Acts 10:43) and choose not to remember them anymore (Isaiah 43:25). I adopt you into my family (Ephesians 1:5) and lavish you with my fatherly love (1John 3:1).

Then you are a new person (2 Corinthians 5:17) with a new self (Ephesians 4:24) and a new life (Romans 6:4). You have my precious righteousness as a gift (Romans 5:19). Your body becomes a temple for my Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19) and you become a saint (Ephesians 1:18).

Indeed, I want to make your righteousness to shine like the dawn (Psalm 37:6). I have called you and I am faithful to help you to be holy (1 Thessalonians 5:24). So when you are tempted to sin, look for the way out that I provide (1 Corinthians 10:13). And when you fail remember that I am waiting for you with open arms, quick to forgive you and to give you another chance (Luke 15:11-31).

I want nothing more than to give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4) and to do more for you than you can imagine (Ephesians 3:20). Whatever you need, look to me and I will provide (Philippians 4:19). I will give you love, joy, peace, and all the fruit of my Spirit, to fill your soul and for you to share with others (Galatians 5:22-23).

Since I care for you so much don't worry about getting your needs met and don't worry about tomorrow (Matthew 6:25-34). Give your burdens to me and I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28). I've given you my Holy Spirit to be your Comforter and Counselor (John 14-16). So don't walk alone; walk in my Spirit (Galatians 5:25) and trust in me and I will direct your paths (Proverbs 3:4-5) and bless you with every spiritual blessing (Ephesians 1:3).

Please know that as my child you are safe in my hands (John 10:28). I am a refuge for you (Psalm 9:9). Like a mother bird I cover you with my feathers in my nest (Psalm 91:1-4). When you pass through rivers of difficulty you will not be swept away. When you walk through fiery trials you will not be burned (Isaiah 43:2). So when you must walk through the valley of the shadow of death don't be afraid because I am with you, comforting and protecting you (Psalm 23:4). I will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

When you are brokenhearted I will draw close to you (Psalm 34:18). I'll cry with you (John 11:35). Like a shepherd holding his lamb, I'll carry you close to my heart (Isaiah 40:11). I'll collect all your tears in my bottle and record each one in my book (Psalm 56:8). I'll comfort you in your time of mourning (Matthew 5:4) and I'll turn your mourning into gladness (Jeremiah 31:13) and put a new song in your mouth (Psalm 40:3).

When enemies come against you I will fight for you (Psalm 44:7). Even when you do what is right people will insult you, criticize you, and mistreat you, but I will bless you (Matthew 5:11). Even when you trust your father and mother they may forsake you, but I will receive you (Psalm 27:10). If you find yourself poor remember that I've blessed you with true riches (Luke 6:20). If you find yourself last in line remember that with me those who are last will be first! (Matthew 20:16).

Yes, I am for you and not against you! (Romans 8:31) If I have been misrepresented to you by religious people who claim to know me but don't, (John 8:41-44) then know that I am against these hypocrites (Matthew 23). And if your earthly father has disappointed you, then please realize that I offer you more than he ever could (Matthew 7:9-11). I am the perfect Father (Matthew 5:48), the Father from whom all true fatherhood derives its name (Ephesians 3:15), and I love to give you good gifts (Matthew 7:11).

With me on your side your future is bright and full of hope! My plans are to prosper you and not to harm you (Jeremiah 29:11).

Even hardships, as painful as they may be, can be to your benefit if you endure them as loving discipline from me, opportunities for you to be trained in the ways of righteousness and peace (Hebrews 12; 6-11). Always remember that when you love me and seek my purposes that all things will work together for your good (Romans 8:28).

You need to realize that I have gifted you to serve me (Matthew 25:14-23) and I want to make you great! (Psalm 18:35). Discover your gift and use it in the body of Christ (Romans 12:4-8) because I have important work for you to do, work that I will help you accomplish by working alongside you (Haggai 2:4). Together we can accomplish great dreams (Mark 10:27) and move mountains! (Matthew 17:20).

But you're not just my servant. You're my friend! (John 15:15) More than that you're my beloved child! (1 John 3:1) You're precious and honored in my sight (Isaiah 43:4) and I rejoice over you with singing! (Zephaniah 3:17).

I will always love you (Jeremiah 31:3) and there's nothing that can ever separate you from my love (Romans 8:38-39).

One day soon I will wipe away your tears and take away your pain (Revelation 21:3-4) and reward you for all the good that you've done in my name (Revelation 22:12). And we will be together forever in the heavenly home that I have prepared for you (John 14:2). It is more beautiful and more wonderful than you can imagine (Revelation 21:10-27).

Love, 

God

P.S. If it's hard for you to trust my words and to receive my love in your heart then I urge you to work through this with one of my ambassadors (2 Corinthians 5:20) and to get involved in a caring community in the body of Christ where you can grow into my love (Romans 12:5).

http://www.newhopenow.org/notes/archive/hear.god.love.html

(Written by Dr. Bill Gaultiere

Executive Director of New Hope)