Unfriended: Why I'm Thankful For Rejection

I still remember the last time I left a comment on one of her Facebook posts. My friend posted a cute pic of an activity she was engaging in and it made me laugh because I was doing the exact same thing at the exact same time. Connectivity is one of my top five strengths according to
Clifton Strengths Finder. 

I find that I often walk away feeling energized when I engage in meaningful one on one conversations with others. I tend to notice similarities easily and often point them out when sharing experiences with others. We no longer lived near each other, but it was moments like these that made me miss our adventures together.

She was polite and acknowledged my comment, but I started to notice around that time that she was pulling away. I still remember the very last comment she left on one of my Facebook status updates as well. She congratulated me for stepping into a dream I'd had for several years. But that was the last time she had anything to say to me. 

After that comment, she pulled away completely and the realization left me feeling hurt and confused. Did I do something to offend her? 

If that wasn't enough, a couple of months later I discovered that a couple of her family members were no longer friends with me on Facebook. One of them had reached back out after unfriending me, which is how I made the discovery. Wait. What?

They unfriended me?

That's when it really sunk in that not only was my friend done with me, but maybe she was even talking about me.

I found myself distracted by this situation through the day. I played every conversation and interaction over and over in my head as I tried to figure out what caused them to cut me out of their lives. Sure, my friend and I had a couple of uneasy moments where we didn't exactly agree on something, but was that enough for her to suddenly pull away? Besides, I actually kept my mouth shut when I saw that we weren't going to agree on a situation. Was it wrong for me to keep the peace?

For a couple of years, this situation came to mind and I wrestled with the fact that we weren't actually friends anymore. I prayed about reaching out to her even though fear of the unknown fed my wild imagination of what she might say. I never felt peace about it though. In fact, I knew I was supposed to let go and move on, but it was hard.

This wasn't the first time that I've dealt with rejection, especially through social media. With the rise of social media through the years, rejection became more prevalent as my friend list gave me the occasional heads up that someone thought I sucked. High school friends have silently unfriended me, re-friended me, then unfriended me again on social media. Another friend unfriended me as a form of punishment, only to send a friend request once she cooled off. Then there were the friends who would post public announcements about "cleaning up their friend list" without really naming names, but making it clear what they really thought about the people they planned to delete. I remember reading a conversation between two classmates of mine in the comments and realizing once they both unfriended me that I was included in the group of people they were slamming.  

I could go on and on about social media rejection, but these certainly weren't the most hurtful experiences I've endured. The nice thing about social media is we always have the choice to engage or ignore. But what about people in our every day lives? 

My experiences have left me believing that the most painful rejection comes from those who are supposed to love us unconditionally. Maybe they are the ones who share our DNA. Sometimes they aren't biologically related at all but share the same faith. They may feign to love unconditionally, but then a situation comes up and they exhibit behaviors that reveal aggression, or maybe a lack of honor and respect in some other way.  

When you realize that someone who should love you doesn't love you the way you thought they did, it can be crushing.

The last several years, I have been through a lot of this kind of crushing as I've tried to process and reason through other's behaviors. I have spent hours weeping on my bedroom floor.  I've lost sleep mulling over accusations and lies spread about me. I have processed through so much anger, both towards myself for letting the rejection hurt so deeply, and at the very people I was supposed to forgive. Rejection didn't just consume me, it tormented me.

I soon discovered that rejection is connectivity's kryptonite. Rejection brought out the worst in me. It stole my peace, my joy, and my self-worth.

All of this rejection left me in a season of loneliness. I felt unworthy, taken for granted, used up, too much and not enough. To some, I was a goody-goody, to others, I wasn't good enough. I felt like I was walking through the wilderness with no real connections, but it was in this loneliness that I was able to take a step back and really evaluate my situation. 

I was tired of being consumed by other people’s approval of me or lack thereof. 

The discomfort of compromising my values and conforming to others' beliefs of who I should be became more painful than walking alone. It was in this wilderness of loneliness that I knew I had the choice to continue to bow to the world's standards or surrender to God's declaration of who I am. I was already feeling so alone, so what did I have to lose by walking away from all of my striving to connect to everybody?

As I processed through the hurtful situations over the years, I found myself taking my broken heart to God over and over again. As I started to seek Him, I learned that while I felt unwanted and unloved by many, He was waiting for me to fix my gaze on Him. As I turned to Him, He showed me how deeply He wanted that connection with me. He wired me to connect and the most important connection I could ever have was with him. I may have felt easily discarded by man, but because of that, I learned what it felt like to be truly loved and accepted by Him. As His love restored me, I was able to walk through some of my flaws and address my sin.

Because of the rejection I faced, I became aware of my people-pleasing addiction and fear of man. I was convinced that if I could just make certain people happy, even if it meant sacrificing my own peace, then I'd eventually be met with the kind of love and acceptance that I craved. I really thought that if I didn't rock the boat, I wouldn't have to worry about abandonment, aggression, or some other form of punishment for speaking up. For the longest time I kept my convictions to myself.  Fear kept me silent. I tried to live the impossible by avoiding judgement in a judgmental world.

As I realized the flaw in my thinking, I became keenly aware that sometimes remaining silent is the same thing as lying.

Over time, I learned that as long as I strived for the approval of others, I'd never be able to truly walk freely as the woman God created me to be.

Once this reality sunk in, I realized that if it came down to honesty or censorship, I need to be able to walk away from a relationship that didn't allow me the freedom to express my convictions without punishment. Preserving a relationship with silence doesn't work. This understanding helped me to find my voice and to not be censored by my own insecurities. 

All of that rejection felt like a dark curse for the longest time, but because of it, I emerged from the darkness a different person. I became more resolved each time I encountered conflict to learn from it and handle the next situation even better. Each time I felt overwhelmed or hurt, God met me in my pain and I learned a deeper level of identity, forgiveness, and truth. I learned that it's okay to set healthy boundaries and that sometimes He allows people to be removed from my life because we are going in different directions. 

Whenever I doubted this, I looked to the Bible for countless examples of God calling His people to let go of past relationships so that they could fulfill their destiny.

The lessons brought to me through the rejection I've experienced actually empowered me to be myself. The loneliness brought me closer to God, revealing both His character and my identity.

They say hurt people hurt people. As long as there are people carrying wounds, there will be rejection. Friends will reject. Christians will reject. Strangers will reject. Family will reject.

I realize that I will face rejection from time to time, but it no longer has the same power over me. Yes, it may hurt when someone close walks away after making a harsh accusation (or not), but I know that when I bring it all to God, He will work it out for me in the end.

Rejection is unavoidable. It may feel like desertion for a moment, but sometimes that's how we are truly found. Our Father's pure love was revealed to me the most in my seasons of loneliness and it was the sweetest revelation to be awakened to. I thought I knew His love, but it's one thing to know and another to experience and simply rest in it. 

Rejection left me alone, but I was alone with God. It was there that I encountered Him on a deeper level. Because of this, I am so thankful for rejection. 

Rejection brought me closer to Jesus.