A Letter To My Birthday Girl

Dear Hannah,

Eight years ago today we were celebrating your very first birthday even though we hadn't met.  Your older brother, Nathanuel was placed with us just a couple of weeks before over his Spring Break visit and we were still waiting to find out if we were ever going to even be considered as a placement option for you.

I have to say my faith was a little rocky then.  When I was pregnant with Pacey, God told me we were going to adopt a boy, and by then, I knew that God was making it happen.  But He never mentioned you. Why?  Maybe because you were never going to be mine.  At least that was my fear.

But Nathanuel was so eager to meet you and your birthday was so important to all of us that even though you were all the way across the country (You were in Washington and we were in Virginia), we made a birthday cake, decorated it, sang Happy Birthday, and blew out a candle.

We arranged a visit to meet you for the first time that summer.  I drove from Virginia to Washington in three days with my cousin and three little boys.  I was stressed, scared, and eager to get there, so the days were long and I was not the most pleasant mama.  Back then I didn't have a GPS, by the way.  I printed out directions on Map Quest.  Did I mention that when your dad and I first got married that I wouldn't even drive the first 5 months we moved to Washington State?  I was so afraid because Tacoma was so huge compared to the small town I grew up in!  Now I wasn't just driving through cities, I was driving across the country!

We were so excited to meet you and you weren't the least bit shy.  We got to spend every day with you, and I remember your foster mom asking me if you could stay the night with me at the hotel the second night we were there.  I was scared to death the next morning when I woke up.  I quietly crawled to the end of my bed to peak into your crib.  You were playing happily in there, but I wasn't sure how you'd respond when you saw me, a complete stranger, instead of your foster mom.  You looked up at me and your eyes brightened, your lips perked up into a precious smile as you said, "Hiiiiiiiii!" as if you couldn't be happier to see me.

I must have been holding my breath that moment because I remember breathing out a sigh of relief.  We alternated nights with you and you responded the same way every morning..."Hiiiiiiiiii!" And you were great the entire week with us.

Your dad flew in a few days later and we met him at the airport.  He approached and you held out your arms and called, "Dadda." We were all surprised and I could see the sadness in your foster mom's eyes as she said, "Well, I guess that's a good sign."  I knew she loved you and so wanted to keep you.

Our social worker had just happened to schedule a last-minute hearing for the day before our departure.  (I think we found out about this hearing the day before we left Virginia to come meet you).  She said that it would be good for the judge to meet us so that he could see we were dedicated and interested in having you placed with us should things work out where you could be adopted.  We showed up to the hearing all dressed up, including Nathanuel who looked so spiffy in his little suit and black dress shoes.  The hearing was short, and to our amazement, the judge decided to go ahead and place you with us.

It all felt like a dream.  I could NOT believe what was happening.  That day was supposed to be the last day of our visit and in an instant we were told that I was bringing you home with us!  We rushed straight to the social worker's office and got a voucher to pick up all the things we couldn't have possibly have had because you weren't supposed to be coming home with us.  Car Seat?  Check.  Clothes?  Check.  Diapers?  Check...

And the next day, I loaded you up and I drove all the way back to Virginia with my cousin, three boys, and you in tow.  We had to stop every two hours.  If I waited a minute longer, your diaper would burst in a mess because you drank constantly.  I guess it was your comfort thing.  As long as you had your bottle and could twirl your curly hair, you were happy.

Needless to say, the trip home took a bit longer, and I was even more stressed!  I drove 19 hours the last night.   Your dad asked me if I wanted to just get a hotel room and finish the drive in the morning.  I was about an hour or two away from home.  "I am NOT sleeping in a hotel bed another night!"  I insisted.  Then I fought having hallucinations from the weariness the last hour home.  In retrospect, I would have made the safer decision now that I am a bit older and wiser!  But God guided us home just one day before family flew in for a visit.

Everything moved relatively smoothly from there.  We finalized the adoption that December.  I've asked myself the same question for some time, Why didn't God tell me about you?  Then one day it hit me.  It wasn't because you weren't meant to be mine.  God wanted to surprise and amaze me with an awesome, beautiful, spirited daughter!  I think that sometimes you wonder if you are really loved.  I want you to know that I would do it all over again in a heartbeat for you!

Tonight I am so thankful that we get to watch you blow out the candle.  You are a joy to us and keep me on my toes!  I know that God has great plans for you, dear Hannah.  You are going to change the world!

I love you with all my heart!



Mom