Be Still

Although I don't have much to show for it, I have been working hard the last couple of weeks. I could feel the stress oozing out of my pores. Everywhere I walked, it felt as if an invisible layer of menacing apprehension flowed in unison with every form I completed. I was striving, on a mission to beat the timeline that feels like an eternal path when it comes to adoption. But there are some things out of my control and because of that, everything came to a halt. I found myself facing another weekend without the progress I'd targeted. The weekends feel like a road block because it's a time when the progress I long for isn't even possible.  The offices are closed. Every five days I hit another weekend and when Friday afternoon arrives, I can't even bear to look at that darling face as I wait for Monday to return. The cuteness is too much!

I fought back tears last week as I recalculated the probable time frame for us to get to our baby girl. It didn't matter if, even by some crazy miracle, that all the steps were somehow immediately accomplished in record time. I was not going to get to my daughter soon enough because soon enough would have been yesterday. I've been reading about some of the changes that have taken place in the international adoption world and I have allowed it all to taunt me. News of other families being denied approval has invited my unwelcome nemesis, Anxiety back into my life. Fearful thoughts dance in my head as I wait. How would I handle it if we never make it to our baby girl? 

I would be devastated. It would destroy me.

or

It will grow my dependency and trust in God because He is in control. 

One or the other would happen and it would be my choice to grasp tightly to who He is or let go of everything I believe in because something didn't go as planned.

How strong is my faith? 

I've been through this enough times to know that I do not want to continue going down this road of fruitless toil, so when I found out our home study visits had to wait, I spent some time closed up in my room so I could hash it all out with God. He had been speaking to me as I was striving to push this thing forward as quickly as possible, but I didn't want to acknowledge that I needed to take a deep breath and just have faith. 

Hebrews 11:1 - Now faith is confidence in what we hope for 

and assurance about what we do not see.

I wish that I had unwavering faith, but deep down inside, I have doubts. I remember when I was a teenager, my mom stood next to me as tears poured down my face. I can't remember what happened exactly, but I felt as if all the things I'd hoped for were never going to happen.

My mom said, "Sometimes I think that you see God as this mean father who dangles the desires of your heart in front of your face, just teasing you and waiting for you to reach for it so that he can jerk it away and tease you. That is not who God is!" 

She was right.  

That's exactly who I thought God was. It's a lie that I bought into when I was young and have spent years trying to uproot from my heart. For years, her words have echoed in my mind as God has continued to show me time after time that He is a good Father.

But when something so special is right within my grasp, trusting and believing it will come to pass is a challenge for me.  While I wait in this situation, all I can do is pray.  So that is what I did as the weekend approached and it went something like this...

"Ugh! God, this is taking FOREVER!"

"Didn't I tell you that you have a daughter?"

"Yes," I sighed.

"Do you trust me? Do you believe that I am going to give you your daughter?" He asked.

"Yes..." 

"Then why are you measuring my promise against time? What truly matters in all of this? Do you believe that I have a plan?"

Again, "Yes."

"Then trust My plan." 

As if that simple, profound response was not enough, I read a post someone shared on a social media site about Psalm 46:10 - Be still and know that I am God. This woman shared that the Greek translation of "Be still" is not necessarily a command to stop and silently meditate on The One who has control of my situation, but rather a command to "let go and let God!" 

I never really thought of it that way, but when I pondered on this verse, I found a new sense of freedom. By letting my anxious ways go and allowing Him to write this story in His time, I am allowing for the best outcome. The rest of the verse clearly spells out that "He will be exalted." One way or another He will! When I choose to "be still," I am exalting him through my act of surrender and He allows me to ride on the waves of His goodness instead of wearing myself down trying to force His promise into fruition. 

When I think about it that way, I realize that I am so much like Sarai. I remember reading the story about how she offered her maidservant to her husband so that her husband could have a son. I imagine as she tossed and turned all night, the stress oozing from her pores, she probably thought that she was making a sacrifice for the greater good. But no. God wanted her to "be still" and allow Him to work out the details of her life. He knew the desires of her heart. She was a part of His greater plan and He'd invited her to ride on the waves of His goodness, she just had to believe this and realize that His goodness was greater than her sacrifice.

After pondering on this, I shake my head at my own attempt to control.  Like Sarai, I have doubted God's goodness and tried to control the outcome because the thought of losing out on such a great desire, to have it slip right through my hands, just the idea feels unbearable.  Fear causes me to think that maybe God is dangling that dream in front of my eyes - that He isn't actually as good as I want Him to be.

But then I'm reminded of the rest of the story. God called this woman out and showed her that she was important to Him. He changed her name from Sarai (meaning princess) to Sarah (meaning Princess to all or Mother of many nations). His message to her? I see you and you are important to me! Your itty bitty dream of having a child? I will take it and multiply it so that you have more descendants than you can count! I AM good!

When I remember this, I know it's time to capture my thoughts. I am choosing to stop the striving. God changed Sarah's name, reaffirming His promise and clearly stating that He already knew the valuable role she'd play in His master plan. She just needed to have faith in His goodness and in who He called her to be. His plan may not have lined up with her timeline, but I imagine the day she gave birth to her son, she laughed and cried, then laughed some more. 

I choose to be a Sarah - a woman of faith who believes she is loved with a jealous and fierce love. A woman who surrenders her will and allows God to bring forth His promises because His way is the best way. 

Hebrews 11:11

By faith Sarah, even though she was barren and beyond the opportune age, was enabled to conceive a child, because she considered Him faithful who had promised.

Of course, as I've resolved to let go of the control, things have already begun to move forward again. We had our first home study visit this morning. Another state issued a background clearance (two more to go)! In reality, the road block was only a few days. I should not complain considering how many years Sarah waited. 

We are making progress and the burden of trying to force this thing forward is no longer weighing me down. I may not have made it to my girl yesterday, but I will make it in His time. His promise to me will be fulfilled according to His plan and He will be exalted as I ride the waves of His goodness. 

He is faithful.

He told me I have a daughter.

He will lead me to the day I get to finally hold her in my arms.

That's all that matters.