The One Thing You Can't Get Back When Adopting An Older Child
It's after 1:00 in the morning and I can't sleep. My son just called and read off a script. "I'm here in Fort ------------. I'm safe. I'll call you when I can." Scott got to hear his voice. I grabbed his phone from him as quick as I could, hoping to say hi, but it was too late. He had to hang up.
It's funny. Insomnia has crept in as I think about my 18 year old son trying to sleep in a hard bed away from his family tonight and he's not even sleeping. I imagine the hardship he is about to endure as he begins basic training. I don't think my imagination can do it justice.
Words cannot express how much I miss him right now. Just a few nights ago I was holding him in my arms, crying into his shoulder. He has grown so fast. In fact, he has grown so fast, his departure has left me feeling like I just got punched in the gut. I feel breathless, waiting for the moment to pass when I can finally gasp for air.
He is gone. I'm so thankful this is not me enduring the death of a child - I will get to see my son again...but I still feel that I am somewhat mourning.
This is the part of adopting an older child that didn't hit me until now. Nathanuel was 7 years old when he was first placed with us. Just over 11 years later and he is gone. That's it. I've had 11 years to raise my boy.
There was not enough time. I wasn't prepared for this.
I want 7 more years!
If money could buy more time, I'd spend it in a heartbeat. I'd invest in my son a little longer and love him a whole lot more.
You see, adopting an older child comes with a whole new set of challenges. When they are older, they have more than likely gone through more hardship and they more than likely come to you more damaged.
An adopted child of any age goes through more loss and suffering that most of us don't even comprehend on a surface level. When we see baby orphans, we think they are so stinking cute and can't wait to hold them and hand them a cute plastic toy for them to chew on. What we don't realize is that these babies more than likely have spent much of their lives never being held, never being responded to, never learning the basics of nurture and love that a child born to two healthy and loving parents can give.
See, when a baby cries, usually the mom or dad will check on them. If their diaper is dirty, they change it. If they are hungry, they receive warm milk. If they are lonely, they are rocked back to sleep, complete with lullaby of choice! Their every need is met and they learn that all they have to do is cry out, and their mom or dad will come. They learn the smell of their mommy's neck, the gentle caress of a finger on their cheek, and the comfort of a swaddling blanket encompassing their body right before a peaceful snuggle. Bonding forms, they become attached, and they grow up secure, learning how to nurture and love other people as they mature.
But an orphan's story is different. They often spend many lonely hours with no response to their desperate cries. They learn that their voice don't matter. Nobody cares. They are rejected. They barely exist. There is no bonding. There is no love. There is only the lonely echo of their cry. Soon, they learn to give up. Many will just stop crying. They lie there, waiting for fate to end the misery.
If the child continues to survive somehow, they might be exposed to other hardships. In an orphanage or foster home, they might suffer years of neglect, or be bullied, or worse. In places like the U.S., there is a system in place where a child in a harmful situation will many times be removed from the home and placed in a foster home. If they are lucky, the foster parents will provide them with a warm bed and a sense of security during their stay in their home. Sometimes, even the foster parents are screwed up enough to cause even further damage to the child.
My son was placed in foster care and suffered more damage. He watched his brother die to abuse in his foster home. When we got him, we had very little training on raising an adopted child despite the ten hours of required classes we had to take. We knew very little about what we were dealing with on a day to day basis.
Through the years, we didn't understand why Nathanuel responded to us differently than our biological children. Nathanuel was always fearful. I remember when Scott playfully picked Nathanuel up and held him up to the ceiling in a playful gesture. Our youngest son would have hollered in glee at having his daddy pick him up and hold him so high, but Nathanuel responded in terror. I'll never forget the panicked look on his face and the way he gripped Scott's hands so tightly as he insisted that Scott put him down. He was clearly in fear, and we were shocked because it wasn't our intention to make him feel fear.
But fear was something that Nathanuel has carried with him ever since we've ever known him - even longer. We've had so many discussions about it, and no doubt, he's had many valid reasons to justify why he's struggled with fear.
But here I am now, wide awake, thinking about how this same boy is so determined to do something with his life, that he has signed up to join the Army to pursue his dreams of being a police man. This means that he is going to have to face so many fears. He will have to give up his sense of control (after all, who really is fully in control?). He will have to give up the comforts of his life with us. (So long, Security!) He will have to give up his own safety. (This makes my heart want to freeze in my chest). It also makes my heart swell with pride.
As I contemplate how quickly the years went by, there are three things I want to say to the other adoptive parents out there who have adopted an older child:
1. Don't give up. The years of damage these children have gone through cannot be undone instantly. Be a strong foundation and source of security for them. Without this, they will never have a chance to heal.
2. Pick and choose your battles. There will be many to choose from! Which ones will matter ten years from now? Take it from a mama who picked the wrong ones sometimes, you can't win every one, and if you did, it still wouldn't be worth what you lose out of being "the winner."
3. Love, Love, LOVE on your kid! Your time is short. My biggest regrets: I didn't say I love you enough. I didn't hold him enough. I didn't hug him enough. I simply feel that I didn't establish a sense of peace and unconditional love and acceptance with him. I got caught up in Mom mode - busy "teaching" him what I thought was essential to being a successful human being, that he left for basic and I'm here wondering if he really realizes how valued and treasured he is. I hope he does.
Adopting an older child is different. You have less time. Don't take it for granted. Make good use out of every single minute.
As Scott and I move towards the adoption of two older boys, I am more determined than ever to be a better mom. Mom mode may kick in from time to time, but I will remind myself daily that it's okay to stop and just walk along side them through life. They don't need a kick in the pants 24/7. They've had enough of that before I became their mom. They need someone to respond to the silent cries in their hearts...whether it's a cry for someone to walk them through the loneliness they've endured before I came along, or if they just need someone to show them that someone is willing to meet their basic human needs, do it.
Love them, because the time is short. It's the one thing you can't get back or make up for. Don't let it slip away. You need every minute to show your child they matter.
Be vigilant. Be strong. Don't give up. Fight for your kid. They are worth it.
Nathanuel, I'm so proud of you. Despite my failures as a parent, you have grown into an outstanding young man. Please don't ever give up and know that you are valued and loved. I'm covering you in prayer and especially asking that where I've failed you as a parent, God has covered with His grace. I love you!
It's funny. Insomnia has crept in as I think about my 18 year old son trying to sleep in a hard bed away from his family tonight and he's not even sleeping. I imagine the hardship he is about to endure as he begins basic training. I don't think my imagination can do it justice.
Words cannot express how much I miss him right now. Just a few nights ago I was holding him in my arms, crying into his shoulder. He has grown so fast. In fact, he has grown so fast, his departure has left me feeling like I just got punched in the gut. I feel breathless, waiting for the moment to pass when I can finally gasp for air.
He is gone. I'm so thankful this is not me enduring the death of a child - I will get to see my son again...but I still feel that I am somewhat mourning.
This is the part of adopting an older child that didn't hit me until now. Nathanuel was 7 years old when he was first placed with us. Just over 11 years later and he is gone. That's it. I've had 11 years to raise my boy.
There was not enough time. I wasn't prepared for this.
I want 7 more years!
If money could buy more time, I'd spend it in a heartbeat. I'd invest in my son a little longer and love him a whole lot more.
You see, adopting an older child comes with a whole new set of challenges. When they are older, they have more than likely gone through more hardship and they more than likely come to you more damaged.
An adopted child of any age goes through more loss and suffering that most of us don't even comprehend on a surface level. When we see baby orphans, we think they are so stinking cute and can't wait to hold them and hand them a cute plastic toy for them to chew on. What we don't realize is that these babies more than likely have spent much of their lives never being held, never being responded to, never learning the basics of nurture and love that a child born to two healthy and loving parents can give.
See, when a baby cries, usually the mom or dad will check on them. If their diaper is dirty, they change it. If they are hungry, they receive warm milk. If they are lonely, they are rocked back to sleep, complete with lullaby of choice! Their every need is met and they learn that all they have to do is cry out, and their mom or dad will come. They learn the smell of their mommy's neck, the gentle caress of a finger on their cheek, and the comfort of a swaddling blanket encompassing their body right before a peaceful snuggle. Bonding forms, they become attached, and they grow up secure, learning how to nurture and love other people as they mature.
But an orphan's story is different. They often spend many lonely hours with no response to their desperate cries. They learn that their voice don't matter. Nobody cares. They are rejected. They barely exist. There is no bonding. There is no love. There is only the lonely echo of their cry. Soon, they learn to give up. Many will just stop crying. They lie there, waiting for fate to end the misery.
If the child continues to survive somehow, they might be exposed to other hardships. In an orphanage or foster home, they might suffer years of neglect, or be bullied, or worse. In places like the U.S., there is a system in place where a child in a harmful situation will many times be removed from the home and placed in a foster home. If they are lucky, the foster parents will provide them with a warm bed and a sense of security during their stay in their home. Sometimes, even the foster parents are screwed up enough to cause even further damage to the child.
My son was placed in foster care and suffered more damage. He watched his brother die to abuse in his foster home. When we got him, we had very little training on raising an adopted child despite the ten hours of required classes we had to take. We knew very little about what we were dealing with on a day to day basis.
Through the years, we didn't understand why Nathanuel responded to us differently than our biological children. Nathanuel was always fearful. I remember when Scott playfully picked Nathanuel up and held him up to the ceiling in a playful gesture. Our youngest son would have hollered in glee at having his daddy pick him up and hold him so high, but Nathanuel responded in terror. I'll never forget the panicked look on his face and the way he gripped Scott's hands so tightly as he insisted that Scott put him down. He was clearly in fear, and we were shocked because it wasn't our intention to make him feel fear.
But fear was something that Nathanuel has carried with him ever since we've ever known him - even longer. We've had so many discussions about it, and no doubt, he's had many valid reasons to justify why he's struggled with fear.
But here I am now, wide awake, thinking about how this same boy is so determined to do something with his life, that he has signed up to join the Army to pursue his dreams of being a police man. This means that he is going to have to face so many fears. He will have to give up his sense of control (after all, who really is fully in control?). He will have to give up the comforts of his life with us. (So long, Security!) He will have to give up his own safety. (This makes my heart want to freeze in my chest). It also makes my heart swell with pride.
As I contemplate how quickly the years went by, there are three things I want to say to the other adoptive parents out there who have adopted an older child:
1. Don't give up. The years of damage these children have gone through cannot be undone instantly. Be a strong foundation and source of security for them. Without this, they will never have a chance to heal.
2. Pick and choose your battles. There will be many to choose from! Which ones will matter ten years from now? Take it from a mama who picked the wrong ones sometimes, you can't win every one, and if you did, it still wouldn't be worth what you lose out of being "the winner."
3. Love, Love, LOVE on your kid! Your time is short. My biggest regrets: I didn't say I love you enough. I didn't hold him enough. I didn't hug him enough. I simply feel that I didn't establish a sense of peace and unconditional love and acceptance with him. I got caught up in Mom mode - busy "teaching" him what I thought was essential to being a successful human being, that he left for basic and I'm here wondering if he really realizes how valued and treasured he is. I hope he does.
Adopting an older child is different. You have less time. Don't take it for granted. Make good use out of every single minute.
As Scott and I move towards the adoption of two older boys, I am more determined than ever to be a better mom. Mom mode may kick in from time to time, but I will remind myself daily that it's okay to stop and just walk along side them through life. They don't need a kick in the pants 24/7. They've had enough of that before I became their mom. They need someone to respond to the silent cries in their hearts...whether it's a cry for someone to walk them through the loneliness they've endured before I came along, or if they just need someone to show them that someone is willing to meet their basic human needs, do it.
Love them, because the time is short. It's the one thing you can't get back or make up for. Don't let it slip away. You need every minute to show your child they matter.
Be vigilant. Be strong. Don't give up. Fight for your kid. They are worth it.
Nathanuel, I'm so proud of you. Despite my failures as a parent, you have grown into an outstanding young man. Please don't ever give up and know that you are valued and loved. I'm covering you in prayer and especially asking that where I've failed you as a parent, God has covered with His grace. I love you!
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